This Is the Most Powerful Way to Motivate Others

Shame doesn’t motivate people. It generates resentment — and resentment kills engagement.

Both Brené Brown in Daring Greatly and Dale Carnegie in How to Win Friends and Influence People make the same case. Research backs them up: people respond far better to praise than to criticism.

Shame as a Management Style

Think about the social systems you’re part of — your workplace, your family, school. Ask yourself: is fear of ridicule used to control behavior? Is blame the default response to mistakes? Is perfectionism rewarded? Is self-worth tied to financial output?

Criticism puts people on the defensive. Instead of looking inward, they look for external forces to blame. Shame generates resentment — at work, that looks like disengagement, low motivation, and quiet quitting.

When shame does “work,” it works for the wrong reasons. People comply out of fear of feeling unworthy, not because they genuinely want to change. A shamed employee might improve — or they might quit. It’s a gamble with someone else’s dignity.

Shame also silences people. It destroys the confidence to speak up, share new ideas, or admit mistakes, because they’re scared of being exposed again. For creativity and risk-taking to happen, people need to feel safe enough to be wrong. As Brené Brown put it: “Vulnerability is the birthplace of innovation, creativity, and change.”

The data on burnout at work makes this especially clear — shame-based environments are one of the fastest routes to total disengagement.

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The Power of Positive Reinforcement

This doesn’t mean never giving honest feedback. Honest and constructive feedback is valid — the question is how you deliver it.

Model vulnerability first. Accept that discomfort is part of growth, and show that openly. When people see you own mistakes and keep going, they feel safer doing the same.

When giving feedback, name the strengths alongside the problems. One reliable approach is the sandwich method: start with something genuine and positive, address the issue clearly, then close with encouragement.

Here’s how Brené Brown describes it in Daring Greatly:

“Your stories and examples made me feel connected to you and what you were saying, but I sometimes struggled to read the PowerPoint and listen to you at the same time. I didn’t want to miss anything you were saying, but I worried about not following the slides. You might experiment with fewer words on the slides — or maybe even no slides. You had me without them.”

Express Gratitude

When you express genuine gratitude, your brain learns optimism. Google built an internal tool called “gThanks” where employees can thank each other directly — including $175 cash awards — and they report almost no abuse of the system.

A simple “I noticed how you handled that” goes further than most managers realize.

Spend One-on-One Time

Get to know what actually drives the people you’re leading — not their job description, their goals, projects, and interests. Once you understand what motivates someone personally, you can create opportunities that keep them genuinely engaged instead of just compliant.

Trust Them to Do the Work

Delegation is good management. If you’re not delegating, ask yourself honestly: do you trust this person to do their job? Micromanagement signals distrust, and distrust kills motivation. Give people ownership of their work, and make clear you’re available when they need you — not hovering over every step.

Building real grit in a team only happens when people are allowed to face genuine challenges without someone second-guessing every decision.

Motivating Others in Practice

1. Be specific about what you need. Explain what you’re asking for, by when, and why. The bigger picture gives people context — they’re more motivated when they understand how their piece fits the whole.
2. Ask what it takes. Everyone is different. What energizes one person drains another. Ask people what they need to feel invested, then adjust accordingly.
3. Give them autonomy. Let people decide how the work gets done, within agreed boundaries. Ownership is one of the strongest motivators there is.
4. Tell them why you chose them. Explain what specific skills or experience made them the right fit. People tend to rise to what you genuinely expect of them.
5. Recognize effort publicly. Share positive feedback with supervisors and teammates, not just in private. Overcoming fear of failure is easier when people see effort recognized, not just outcomes.
6. Reward tangibly. A handwritten note, public recognition, a more interesting next project — these signals tell people their work is seen.
7. Close the loop. Even after someone’s contribution is complete, tell them how the project turned out. People work better when they know their effort had a real impact.

If you want to explore building this kind of culture around you, get in touch.